Updated: Apr 14, 2019
Hey precious one. I am lying in front of my laptop and really want to continue walking through my story in mind. And I just notice how hard things turn out to be. How hard it is to face my past black on white, in written words. Expressing feelings in words that I do not want to feel. I feel afraid to confront myself with the truth: The truth is that my old world is still so near to me, is still so present, does still hurt so much. I cannot deny 21 years of my life. Here, in my words, this is the final place where I see my chance to heal. My chance to accept my past, to tell the truth, and to turn my story into something precious. Something precious for me, something valuable for you, something to let us see that there is so much possible in our lives. So many ways achievable, so many ideas worth to fulfill.
But how can we ever get to know to our own ideas,
learn to love and cherish them
when no one makes us believe in ourselves?
When we are taught to live our lives for someone else? When we dance on someone else's stage, play someone else's game, live someone else's idea. This is what I want to talk about this time. It helps you to understand why I acted as I acted in my stories. And maybe it makes you see where you yourself sometimes play another one's game.
I raised up in a model family of Jehovah's Witnesses. Raised with love and not lacking a thing. At this point I want to say to my family how much I love them. I hope deeply that this blog reaches them in some way. But anyway, I loved my family maybe a little too much. So much that I did not want to lose them, so much that I did not want to disappoint them. I wanted to fit. I wanted to belong. I tried really hard. But why did I never really feel as an equal member no matter how hard I tried? Why did I just not allow myself to be the real Philipp amongst them? I just feared to lose them. This pain would be too big, I thought.
So, over the years I learned how to be a good Philipp. A Philipp they wanted to see and of whom they would be proud of. And it worked! They really were proud of me. I got the confirmation that I longed for. I learned how to play their game and how to dance on their stage to make them applaud. I really learned how to be an actor. And I was a great one! I was such a great actor that I made even myself believe that this is the real Philipp: religious, chaste, altruistic, heterosexual, a good son, brother, and twin. A good Jehovah's Witness. I manipulated myself. I mean, I wanted to survive. Survive in my world. Being loved. But I only felt loved for what I did, not for who I am.
Having learned to be such a great actor we come to a scene that just takes place directly after arriving in Munich from Mexico. I already have come out to my wife but the pastors in Munich are waiting for me. For a special conversation about me watching pornography. It is still unsure if I would become a pioneer or not. So, I tell no one about my application for this privileged position. I really want this! I want to take this new step and be a pioneer. To forget about what happened in the Mexican metro.
To finally feel god's blessing and with his help I would overcome my gay desires. This pioneer position is a real glimmer of hope to me. I only need to pass through the individual interview with the pastors. I prepare. I download a porn-secure browser on my phone. I delete my Instagram account because I looked there for underwear models. I want to present them as much goodwill as possible. I just really want to become a pioneer! My last straw to grasp at! I prayed to god that he might forgive me and bless my intentions and my eager to defeat my gay phantasies.
It is time for my first worship in the Kingdom Hall (this is how Jehovah's Witnesses call there churches). I am happy to see my friends there again. Shaking hands, embracing each other, telling about Mexico. It is a warm and gentle atmosphere. Then one of the pastors approaches me:
Pastor: "We need to discuss your application after worship."
Pastor: "Just come directly to the side room after the closing prayer."
I want to cooperate. Show goodwill.
After worship I enter the room. There are already two pastors sitting.
Pastors: "Please have a seat." "We just need to talk about this one point of your application. About pornography. Have you watched porn again since we contacted you one month ago?"
Me: "No, I haven't. I have applied your counsel. I talked to Sophie. She really supports me lovingly. I am very happy that she has so much understanding for me."
Pastors: "Yes, she is a strong woman. We have already noticed that."
Me: "For sure."
Pastors: "What is your plan in order to not relapse? Have you any concrete actions you want to take?"
Me: "Yes, I have installed this secure browser. It automatically blocks all pornographic websites."
Pastors: "Oh let me see, how is this app called?"
Me: "SPIN Browser."
Pastors: "That is a good hint. This can also help other brothers in this congregation who have the same problem. You are not alone."
Me: "Thank you."
Pastors: "Look, we do not have any doubt about you. We will discuss this with the other pastors and let you know as soon as possible what happens with your application. And also be aware that we are going to ask you after some time again how you are and if your struggle with pornography is under control."
Me: "Yes, for sure. I am grateful for your support."
We have never talked again about pornography, nor did the pastors ask me what kind of porn I was used to watch. Probably, I would have told them the truth as I had told to Sophie. Maybe my time to come out to the pastors just has not arrived yet. Things happen for a reason and there should still be more pain to come.
To be continued...
Thank you for joining. I have just begun to make peace with another shameful scene in my past. And for sure, I will have to go some more times through it until learning my lesson.
Until learning to let go of my great actor and
loving my authentic self.
But I am patient with me. I keep on the track and can just motivate everyone of you to do so, too. Of course! Acting is fun! And you can achieve some things by playing other people's games. But will these achievements finally go along with your authentic self? Will these people actually be your real friends? Will they like you for what you are or for what you do? And most importantly: Will you be such a great actor that you even fool yourself?
Just keep phielzu yourself! Invent and play your own game, dance on your own stage!
Hugs and kisses <3