Updated: Apr 14, 2019
It is hard to put in words how much courage it takes to write and remember every emotional step of the story. But being conscious that all of us face similar inner wars keeps me writing and keeps me strong.
This section is about how the secrets towards my wife became even worse. Failing more and more in my role as her husband. Role is the right word. Being a good husband was an image for me, a job description, I could not accomplish as hard as I may have tried and wanted. Looking at myself and seeing someone who I never wanted to be broke me so hard.
The story goes on:
Porn is no option for me any more. On one side I fear the pastors approaching me and asking for updates regarding my porn consumption habits. On the other side porn is not enough any more. There was going on too much in Mexico:
My body and soul enjoyed these touches too much. They are still deep in my memory. This excitement. My body craves for touch and passion. My mind starves for confirmation. I want to be desired. Just see how appealing I would be to men. That is when I remember my colleagues talking about Tinder. Some months ago I heard the very first time about this app. It seems to be something for quick sex. I open the PlayStore on my phone. Just have a look on the screenshots there.. well, seems like I can decide whom I want to talk to there. Let me download that. Oh damn.. I need a picture. I definitely want to see how they react on seeing my picture. Let me see what I have got in my gallery. Wow, pretty long time ago that I sent the last photo with me in bed to Sophie. But my smile is cute there. Let's see how this works. I only want to see how I match and who is out there. Nothing else!
Oh shit!! What am I doing here?! Let me delete this immediately! Oh God, please forgive me! That leads to nothing! I do not want to be with a man. I want to be with her. I love her. How could I even dare thinking about doing that?
The exact situation repeats minimum five times. Download, uninstall, download, uninstall, download, uninstall. I turn crazy! Obviously I want the app! I finally decide that I am strong enough playing secretly with this fire. Just match, and chat. Nothing more.
In the next days I match with some guys. And yes, we start chatting. They try to get to know me. But I am just closed. I do not want to get to know any one. I love my wife. On the emotional level I am super happy with her. There is just my desire for manly bodies. And definitely I need confirmation and want to feel desired. Our chats are one-sided. I answer and explain every guy that I do never want to live an open gay lifestyle. That is nothing for me. I cannot imagine going hand in hand with a guy in the street! How shameful! I literally tell them that I have got zero experiences with men and do not even want to meet any guy. They just kept offering me to meet some day when I would change my mind. But this will not happen! Bye! Uninstall... I really do not identify with these men. I am not part of them. I am a Jehovah's Witness. I want to have decent people around me. That is only possible with my brothers and sisters in church.
Days pass by.
Download! But this time it is not Tinder. It is Grindr. A dating app only for gays which is focused on sex dates. It shows you the nearest guys in your surrounding, if they are online and you can explain your sexual preferences on your profile. And the app gives me just what I want! Messages and messages. A lot of confirmation and explicit sex offers. But I deny every single one. I fear these people. They live in a strange world. A strange life that I do not want to live.
Sex is available. That is what I know now.
It is just a matter of time when I would use that.
It is a Sunday in February. A friend of us stays at our home over the night. The next day Sophie and our friend leave the house to go preaching from door to door with the bible. I stay at home since I have to prepare a presentation for university. I switch on the laptop. Loading.... loading.... I get bored. I look on my phone. And I see my chance. Sophie and our friend would be out at least one hour and a half. That is enough time. Let me see who wrote me the last days. Oh, look. This guy just texted me the day before yesterday.
Me: "Hey what are you doing?"
Him: "I relax on my sofa."
Me: "I like your body."
Him: "What do you want to do?"
Me: "I want to blow a dick."
Him: "Do you have a picture of you?"
A picture?? Well, naked?? No, I don't.... but I really have got no time. I really want to finally try that! Come on Philipp. Send it to him. Be quick!
Me: "But I really have never done this before."
Me: "Not even a kiss. Is this a problem?"
Him: "No, it is not. I even like that."
Me: "Do you have alcohol? I am nervous."
Him: "Don't worry. I am better than alcohol ;-)"
He sends me his address.
Now hurry up!
I have a proper shower, my whole body is shaking. I have never been so nervous. Philipp, you need to do this. Just switch of your brain. You just really need to do this! I wash, I shave, I put body lotion, get perfumed. I want to be perfectly prepared for this moment. Put on my sexiest T-Shirt. I never have felt so much motivation and energy. Excitement and fire. My body is still shaking...
I wait for the train. I look at all these people surrounding me. They do not know what I am about to do. Looking at them it seems like a normal Sunday. But inside me, I am about to enter into a whole new world
To be continued...
At this point I want to dive deeper into having secrets. Secrets in front of the people that you love the most. It may be your partner. What do you hide? Why do you hide it? Back then I hid because I wanted to be another person for her than I was in reality. I wanted to be a model husband. I had expectations to myself that were not reachable. And before being honest with her I could not even be honest with me. I could not admit that I was too weak to care for her. I was not even caring for me.
The secret creates the illusion to accomplish your own expectations. "As long as I keep it for me I can still be a good partner for her."
But it is an illusion. Not the reality. Not your reality.
Not your real self. Not your real place to be. Not your role.
Think for a moment about a secret of yourself. Why do you have that secret? Why do you hide it? Is there an illusion you want to maintain? Is there something you still cannot accept about yourself? Be good to yourself and rest a moment.
Be phielzu yourself 💛
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