or: way too yourself

Hey darling, I have got a pretty freaking story to tell you. It is about secrets, two-faced lives, love, sex, and liberty.

Told and experienced by myself.


My way out of the small world of a gay Jehovah's Witness,

now seeking full liberty and joy in life.

Scroll down and dive into phiel zu Phil's life.


"You and the mirror. 

There is no one else to set your standards."


  • Philu

#06: I go to church after having cheated on my wife

Updated: Apr 14, 2019

I am at home. Sophie is at home. Our friend is at home. I am sure this will have been my one and only time sex with a man. And I say to myself "You did not enjoy that. That was disgusting. Good, that you know this now for the rest of your life. Now you know why god does not want this for you." But I do not uninstall the dating app. I want to know if he texts me again.

One hour later... My smartphone is in silence mode. I enter the app:

Him: "Hot chap."

I am hot??? Wow! Never has someone said something like this to me!! And Sophie just says that compliments would boost my ego too much. And that is true! That is a real ego boost!

Me: "Thanks for my first experience ☺️"

I delete the app. That is all I wanted to know. Men like me. But I do not like them. And anyway, I have to go and visit an old man now (let's call him Patrick). I visit Patrick since over a year as Jehovah's Witness and listen to him. He is very lonely. He needs some company. That is why I go to him and I can even report this as preaching work since I always read something out of the bible and leave a Watchtower magazine for him. But today he agreed to go together with me to our meeting of worship. I am already a little late. I get dressed up in suit and tie. Sophie stays at home. I drive by car and ring the bell.

Patrick: "Hello Philipp!"

He is always so happy to see me and hugs me strongly. I guess I am his only physical contact during the week.

Me: "Hey my dear! How are you today?", I ask while we are still embracing each other. He is not prepared yet for the meeting, not dressed up. But no stress. We will be late anyway. We go to the Kingdom Hall that is directly next to his house. Not the one where I usually go to.

We arrive at the Kingdom Hall half an hour late. I ask the doorkeeper to let us enter. I don't know him. All people are seated and listen to the preacher quietly. Patrick and me are standing in the entrance when I see the pastor on the stage. And I cannot believe it: He is my pastor! My pastor who normally preaches in my Kingdom Hall. My pastor who talked to me about pornography.

For sure, he will be proud of me since I bring new people to the church. In general, my preaching activities work really well at the moment. I study the bible with two persons every week and I love going out to ring the doors and tell the people some positive thoughts from the bible. I really enjoy this in a way. And it gives me some silence in my soul for having cheated on my wife. If god still blesses my preaching work he must see that I have got a good heart and he gives me a second chance for sure.

The other witnesses directly offer us two free seats to sit down since Patrick has got some problems walking. Here with him I feel safe. I feel clean. I feel doing well. He is happy for the company. I am happy for putting some minutes the focus out of me and my feelings and to concentrate on the talk. But the inner peace does not last long. The Watchtower article we discuss is about concentrating on what the spirit of god wants us to do and to turn away from what our bodies want us to do. You can have a look on it here:

I cannot believe that. It is exactly about me! How can this happen? This is definitely a warning from god! Keep your focus Philipp. Don't be so stupid to throw away everything you have got. Your wife. Your family. Your religion. Your friends. You know that this is the truth. Please forgive me Jehovah God... I have understood your message. Thank you.

The worship comes to an end. My pastor and his wife are very happy to see me. So am I. We hug. I present them to Patrick. The pastor's wife is a good listener. She cares well for Patrick. I really like her for that and her pragmatic manner. And when I now think about her, I really miss her deeply. But at that evening we said good bye to each other not knowing what would expect all of us in the near future. It was the last time that I saw Patrick.

I arrive at home and say hello to Sophie and our friend. I make some tea. We talk some gossip about friends and colleagues. About everyone else but not about us. It is better that way. I really do not feel like talking about us right now. I still feel emotionally sick but the preaching work and worship helped me to calm down. At least a little bit. I think I have learned my lesson. I never want to feel that sick again in my life. And be so false to her and my brothers in church that I love. I hope the next week will go better.

To be continued...

In this post I realize what I really liked about being a Jehovah's Witness. It was this feeling of being part of a big network. People know me. Everyone has got his tasks. And when I accomplish these tasks well I have the feeling that I do good to the whole community. I felt like a shining star there making the whole community more likable to everyone. Whoever was there felt comfortable with me. I liked the contribution I could give. I felt like having worth just for that. What I did not see: Your contribution is welcome as long as you follow the rules. As long as you accept all teachings. If there is only one thing wrong about me my service would not be holy and acceptable any more. But this I still had to learn back then.

Whatever your contribution, your talents may be.

Do not give them to anyone.

But do give them to those who love you for who you are.

Not to those who love you for what you have.

Be way too yourself! <3

#care #careforyourself #careforothers #notforeveryone #worship #forgive #secondchance #twopersonalities #doublelife #lie #lies #realtalk #noshame #love #missyou

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