or: way too yourself

Hey darling, I have got a pretty freaking story to tell you. It is about secrets, two-faced lives, love, sex, and liberty.

Told and experienced by myself.


My way out of the small world of a gay Jehovah's Witness,

now seeking full liberty and joy in life.

Scroll down and dive into phiel zu Phil's life.


"You and the mirror. 

There is no one else to set your standards."


  • Philu

#07: I miss my unknown lover

Updated: Apr 14, 2019

The days pass by. I am exhausted. Everyday I catch up with the full-packed program. I make it full-packed. University, the preaching, I help at the construction site of the church, I prepare and conduct bible studies... Please keep busy Philipp. You do not want to remember what happened last Sunday. That was not you. Satan took control of you. Yes, it was a demon. I could never do something so detestable. Maybe Satan won last Sunday. But that was his only time. It will be his only time forever!

Well, I am pretty eager in making promises as you see. Way too exaggerated expectations towards myself. And I catch myself daydreaming of HIM. Oh shit, I liked it, I loved it, I enjoyed it. Damn! But I definitely will not install Grindr again. That is too dangerous. Sophie could find out. I have to come up with something else.

It's Friday evening:

Sophie: "Hey, tomorrow morning I will be preaching together with my friend outside the city. I haven't seen her for a long time. I will need the car."

Me: "Oh, nice idea. Don't worry. I'll go by the train."

That might be my chance...

I prepare a small piece of paper and get a pen... : "Write me 😘 [my mobile number], Mike"

The guy thinks my name is Mike. Mike from Grindr. I called me Mike to hide my identity.

I fold the small piece of paper with my mobile number on it. I put it into my preaching bag. Well hidden.

Another cloudy day starts. We get up early. She leaves the flat before me. We kiss and embrace each other before saying Goodbye. Oh Philipp, what kind of husband are you. What kind of plans do you have... You are playing a wrong game. Can you play it? For how long? Questions that are too hard to answer.

There is no answer. There is no choice.

I feel no choice. I have to dress up and get out of here. I am late again...

I get out of the train. I leave one station earlier. The same station of Sunday. It is windy. I press my scarf tightly to my neck. Now go fast! You don't have time Philipp. Hurry! Hurry? I always hurry. Two lives are one too much. I hurry all day long. My thoughts hurry through my mind.

My feelings are dumb. They would make me literally turn sick if I allowed them to raise their voice.

I hurry through the snow. I hope he is at home. I hope to see him. I hope to have ten minutes with him.

I arrive in front of the door. There is his name. I ring the bell... waiting... freezing... The mailboxes are inside!!! No!!! I cannot even leave him my number... Oh God! All this waste of time for nothing. Come on Philipp. Get back to the station. Or is it faster by bus? No, you can't arrive by bus in front of the brothers. You never go by bus. You'll take the next train. Just hurry.

All my brothers gathered at someone's home. We do that every Saturday in order to pray, prepare for missionary service, and form couples to preach. Please that there still be one for me. I approach the apartment and already see one brother and a sister coming towards me in the street.

Me: "Sorry, I am late! Is there still someone at home?"

Sister: "Yes, there are. But hurry up! Maybe you can still join them."

Me: "Ok, thanks. Jehovah's blessings for your service!"

Sister: "Jehovah bless you."

I ring the second bell this morning. And they are still there. I run upstairs and see my friends. Even one of my favorite sisters.

Me: "Sorry for being late. One train has fallen out. So I had to take the next one. This winter is just terrible."

Favorite sister: "Oh, don't worry. Now you are here. We still have coffee and cookies. Help yourself."

Me: "Thanks, I am so happy to be here."

Sister: "Where is Sophie?"

Me: "She is preaching today outside the city with an old friend."

My friends believe me everything. It works. It feels weird and I get a sore stomach. But it seems to work. That is the beginning of becoming a notorious liar.

I lie into their faces. Into the faces of the people who I call my friends. I feel in this moment how a wall begins to grow between us. And I am the one putting one brick on another. Using nice and kind words as spatula to prepare for the next lie, for the next brick. The small piece of paper is still in my bag. Mike is still waiting. But today will not be his day. His time will come. Not now.

The consequences of telling the truth seem way too frightening. So, I lie. I assume that my friends would not understand me. So, I lie. I hope that what I did to Sophie would have been the only time. So, I hide it. Other people knowing about my infidelity would ruin my life and all I ever wanted to have: an own family, my wife, my religion. So, I lie.

To be continued...

Maybe your truth sometimes threatens to destroy relationships and friendships you want to keep. Is their a reason why you fear them to break? What does it tell you if your truth would break or disappoint some of your relations? Are you even sure about others' reactions or does this happen just in your phantasy? The phantasy can be thrilling of course! And often your fear in your head is way worse than reality could ever be. Don't get me wrong. It is everyone's right to lie and to pretend whatever he or she likes to. You are welcome to lie.

But lies want to tell us something. Something in us that we fear. Something that we cannot love yet.

Maybe you fear the consequences of telling the truth. But telling lies will also have its excesses. You might be surprised where both ways lead you.

One of them leads definitely to places, people, and activities that fit better to you.

It is our choice every day what to live, what to show about ourselves, what to hide. Try and see what reactions you might receive when you show facets of yourself that no one knew before. And don't forget:

Life is only a big theater stage. Nothing to lose. Don't take it too seriously.

Thanks for enjoying my blog and my deepest thoughts and stories. If you want to know how things go on don't forget to hit the Like-Button on my Facebook-Page and I'll let you know as soon as my next post is published.

Keep on track on your own way 😉

#lie #liar #papernote #phonenumber #friends #hurry #withouther #hideit #brothers #sisters #jw #jwministry #snow #ringthebell #late #toolate #community #cookies #coffeeaddict #waytoo #waytoolying

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