or: way too yourself

Hey darling, I have got a pretty freaking story to tell you. It is about secrets, two-faced lives, love, sex, and liberty.

Told and experienced by myself.


My way out of the small world of a gay Jehovah's Witness,

now seeking full liberty and joy in life.

Scroll down and dive into phiel zu Phil's life.


"You and the mirror. 

There is no one else to set your standards."


  • Philu

#05: I cheated on her: Is there still a future for us?

Updated: Apr 14, 2019

The train stops. My heart beats. It beats fast and strong. As the doors open my feet move without myself controlling them. My body has full control. I give full control to my body. Now he decides. Finally he does what he wants. I do not think one thought. There is nothing going on in my head. My eyes are on Google Maps. I plan my way to the guy's address. It is not a long trip. I do not have time! I need to hurry! Just hurry up Philipp. Before the train stops I put myself directly in front of the doors. I wear a thick jacket. It is cold, cloudy, it is February. I am stressed. I have no time to lose.

The doors open. My feet move. They move upstairs. I take two steps at a time. My body is greedy. He moves himself towards his desires. The brain does not think a thing. It is the very same train station where my church uses to be. How thrilling. Normally I turn right towards church. Now I turn left towards the guy's apartment. What does this mean? Do I wrong? No, better not thinking. Just run. Keep walking. He is waiting for you. These some minutes are intense. My blood pushes through every single vein in my body. I am alive.

I arrive at a huge building. There are many apartments. I look for his name... There it is! I ring the bell. A camera stares at me. "I am Philipp." The doors open. When I enter the building I open my jacket. Get prepared Philipp. I take the elevator. There is another guy inside. He has got a dog. I talk to the dog and play with him although I do not like dogs very much. I distract myself. The tension is too high! My body starts shaking. I say to the guy in the elevator what a cold day it is. He is nice to me. He gets out of the elevator. I stay inside. The doors close and I am alone. No dog. Just me. One more floor to go up. The doors open. I look to the left. Nothing. I look to the right... Their is a door cautiously opened up. This has to be his flat. And now the doors opens up more... There he is! He looks smaller as I imagined him to be. But I like his eyes. I like his lips. My memory still creates a feeling of doing something forbidden. And it feels so good. I come closer to his door.

Him: "Hey"

Me: "Hi"

Him: "Come inside."

Me: "Thanks."

I take off my jacket.

Him: "How are you?"

I do not answer. Our eyes see each other. They know what is going to happen right now. My heart beats up! I cannot take a single breath any more. I lose myself. This energy is too intense, too high, I am bound. He takes my hand, he takes my body, he comes close to my lips. Very close. And our lips touch. The very first time. They touch. The second human being in my life I kiss. The first guy I touch, the first guy I kiss. Their is so much release, so much desire, a deep groan comes out of myself. We are both standing and my body just tries to climb onto him, my legs put themselves smoothly around him. What is this? What do I do there? Where does these movements come from? It is happening all so naturally. I do not think a thing. I feel like dying on his lips. There is nothing I have enjoyed more. We go towards his sofa. But I hardly can walk. This kiss, this embracement feels to intense to interrupt it. I cannot let go from embracing him strongly.

Him: "There is my bedroom."

I love his flat. It is modern, simple, smart. The doors move smoothly. The windows are big. The sky is grey. We move towards his bed. He closes the curtains. I sit down on his bed. He is standing in front of me. I remember what I texted him before. ("I want to blow your dick.") Yes, I definitely want that. The following memories are incredibly intense. They are so energetic that I feel like falling in love for his body right now again. And this is years ago. The following memories are so personal and so deep that they make me stop tapping on my keyboard, they make me stop continuing my story for a second to hold and to dream.

He takes of his trousers and my blood pressure raises immediately. Just right now I still feel the desire in my bones. This excitement. I could not believe it. A dream comes true. The dream of my youth. What I ever wanted to happen. And now the moment was there. His cock is already hard and big. I did not expect it to be that huge. And I love it. Even now my heart beats fast when I think about it.

Him: "Just try it. Relax."

For the very first time in my life I take this cock into my mouth. How can this feel so good? Please let this moment never stop. Never stop. My own dick myself is hard, too. I cannot stop. I enjoy, he enjoys. That is incredible. He shows me some more postures. I am excited about his experience. He is very cautious and he makes me feel so comfortable. He treats me well. I get so excited about him that I just feel myself coming on his bed. He does not touch my dick nor do I but I just have come on his bed! My excitement is too high. The joy that waited for me was held back too long. My body releases himself from all pressure. Relief. Breathe. Close my eyes. Feel these seconds. So many years waiting for this pleasure. So many nights dreaming this dream. So many tears crying for pressure on myself. Now I am released. My body released my soul. My body is my savior. I love my body for saving me, for liberating me. My body helped my soul when my mind was to weak.

I keep on blowing. It takes him some more time but I enjoy every single moment. Please let this never stop. Never stop. He finally is coming in my mouth. Wow, how I love it. How I love it. I swallow everything I can get from him. He is done. He smiles at me. He kisses me. He embraces me. He touches me. He stays some more minutes with me caressing me. I still know exactly the place. The touch. How his fingers feel like. How he looks at me.

I want to get out of here!! Help! What has just happened! How disgusting!

Me: "I really need to go now. I have to prepare for an exam at university."

Him: "Do you live alone?"

Me: "I live in a shared apartment. I really need to go now."

I put on my clothes. My heart feels sick. My breaths are weak. But I smile at him.

Me: "Thank you for my very first time."

Him: "Maybe there will be a second time, and a third one."

Me: "Maybe."

I just thought by myself that for sure there will be NO second time!

I get out of his apartment. We kiss each other a last time. How disgusting!

He closes the door. Fuck! Damn! God! I hated it! I had to do this in order to see that I really do not like that! How disgusting! Get out of this house! I have tried it. I did not like it at all! Oh God! Why did I do that?!

I leave the building. I walk quickly towards the train station. Please let Sophie still be in the ministry service. That was not worth throwing away our marriage!

I sit down at the train station. Well, Philipp. You have committed adultery. Once done, the marriage is broken. Actually the marriage is broken. Are we still married now? God! Are we still married in front of you, God?! Once broken, always broken. The train arrives. My body feels sick. My soul is broken. I get a rush of blood through my head. I failed. I failed as husband. I failed as man. I failed before God. I failed before myself. The sky is cloudy. My soul as well.

I get out of the train and run home! Please God! Please let Sophie not be at home! I come near to our house. I do not see her car. I go upstairs and get the key out of my bag. I unlock the door.

Phew, it is locked. She is not here. Quick! Switch on the laptop and open the presentation for university. Not even 10 minutes pass by and the door opens. There she is. Together with our friend.

Me: "Hey darling!"

Her: "Hey, what did you do?"

Me: "I made good progress with my presentation. And how did your ministry service go?"

Her: "Well, there were not a lot of people at home. We went and had some coffee. It was so cold outside!!"

God gives me a second chance. He does not want our marriage to end today. But he warns me. It happened for a reason that she arrived home that close to my arrival back from the guy. I feel dead, I feel sick, I smile, I kiss her, I feel horrible, what do I do here? Please let this never ever happen again.

To be continued...

The story goes on. The memories still hurt.

I really felt torn. How could at the very same day something so releasing feel so oppressive? My inner self was in war. I was eaten up by myself. My expectations, my desires, my love, my view on the world. Every aspect in myself ate up the other one. What do I stand for? What do I live for? How could I do something so bad? A lot of self-judging thoughts occupied my mind. I knew: something was really not going right here. I need to take some drastic actions. I took drastic actions in favor of my religion. Right now I feel broken after writing this. I remember that cloudy sky. These lies towards my wife that I loved so much. I have got nothing to say. I am ashamed that I did not find another way to release myself. But I know that my body was liberating myself back then. When the mind does not find enough courage our body might have the answer. Although this might seem like a sad story. Now after some years for me it is a story of change. I still appreciate my body for saving me back than although my mind was not ready yet. Today I want to listen more to what my body tells me. There is nothing bad about our bodies. They need us and we need them. Your body also has something to tell you. And you should take care of him.

Be way too yourself and love what you have. Your Body. Your Ideas. Your Phantasies. Your Self.

Hugs and Kisses...

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