Updated: May 15, 2019
My last posts were all about different occasions how I cheated on my wife with different men. I could talk about more of these scenarios. But it is enough. In just one month I cheated 7 times with 5 different guys on her. At their homes, in hotels, on the university toilet, even with another guy who was married to his wife. But so far I have talked enough about these scenes so that I can make peace in my inner self with these guys, what they showed me about myself, which experiences they gave me, and to make peace with myself and my big naivety from back then. No experience, no idea about sex, no idea about what I want from sex or love or life. However, feel always free to reach out to me if you yourself live with similar doubts and anxieties. Here, I only talk about situations that I still want to go through again in my mind and that I want to heal.
That is why I tell you how my wife found out about me cheating on her. This might be helpful for those who are currently cheating or think about cheating on their partner and do not find the courage to talk openly with their partner about phantasies and desires. I was weak and did not find courage. I had too high expectations towards myself and our marriage.
For Sophie, all that she knew back then was that I have bisexual feelings. That was our way to still live together and how to justify our marriage. Of course, no one besides us knew of that. It was our secret. Her and a bisexual man. But me myself I already knew that I am amazed by sex with men. That I am gay and not bisexual. But a mental change takes some time. And it took some time for me to accept my homosexuality. I guess there are more gay guys who considered themselves bisexual before admitting to themselves finally being gay. But once having tried gay sex there was nothing comparable to me. I could never feel the same excitement for a girl as I do for a guy. But what still held me close to my wife were our years that we had already shared together. We shared our youth and accompanied each other through important stages of our lives.
She has got such a vulnerable appearance that I never found the courage to tell her directly the truth about my feelings. I was a coward. And in the end I provoked a situation so that there was no need for more words. Let me tell you from the moment after I had met the stranger guy that I regretted to have met for sex: My first anal sex experience which was a totally emotionless and horrible experience. I never agreed with what he had done to me. You can read that here in my previous post:
I do not want to experience something like that again. So I decide to look for the man whom I met at first: My very first sexual experience with a man. He is exciting for me. I know him already. He would not be a total stranger for me. So I open my dating app and set the age filter so that I would find him again. And yes!! There he is. I text him and explain that I tried to knock at his door to give him my phone number. I want to meet only him and get rid of the dating app. He answers:
"That is really sweet but please do not come again to my house without telling me before. Sometimes my ex comes around and I do not want that both of you show up at the same time. But here you can have my number."
I finally got what I wanted: Someone whom I could live my phantasies with. But the story will show that we would not meet again. Not now. Not in this setting.
One week passes by. I am invited to the stag party of a Jehovah's Witness friend. And my wife is invited to the girls' party. I get ready and dress up. We want to do some go-kart race. I spend some more time in front of the mirror as usual. Sophie, my wife, just drops the comment:
"As soon as you meet with guys you put quite some effort into your outfit, huh?"
This kind of comments are normal since I outed myself to her. And obviously she is totally right. But back then I just left this comment without a response.
I leave the house. And I text my lover:
"Hey, I am on the way to a party with guys. Maybe I can text you afterwards and we can meet. I cannot wait until you fuck me."
I know that also Sophie would be out of the house for a longer time since she is meeting with her girls.
He answers: "I would love to do that. Are there other gays as well on the party?"
Me: "I strongly doubt that."
I cannot even imagine that one of them would also be gay. One of the other Jehovah's Witnesses. I always felt alone with my feelings. I always felt being the only weird one not fitting into the group. Actually, I did not even like the guy whose party I was on. My twin told me that he calls me gay for participating in a choir. Yes, I love to sing. But how narrow-minded does someone have to be to call a singing guy gay? Back then, being called gay was an insult for me. I felt strongly offended. I did not want anyone to look through my facade. And if anyone dared to do so I would punish him with ignorance and degradation. Just the same that I have done to myself throughout all these years: degrading myself, my feelings, my potential, and dreams.
However, we spend the evening together going for go-kart and having some drinks afterwards.
The groom drives me back home at the end of the night and I decide to go directly to bed without texting my lover. Ten minutes after having arrived at home also Sophie comes back with two friends. They are going to stay over night at our home.
At the next morning we have breakfast together at home. We were talking and Sophie wants to show our friends a picture.
Sophie: "Philipp, I guess that the photo is on your phone."
I go to the bedroom where my smartphone is. I haven't checked my messages this morning. I just grab my phone, come over to the kitchen, and hand it over to Sophie. I sit down. She looks at the screen. She keeps starring on it. Her eyes don't move. She becomes silent. Her look is turning serious. She stands up and goes to the toilet together with my phone.
You may wonder how I could be so thoughtless and give her my phone without checking new messages at first. Well, maybe I finally wanted to be caught. Maybe I wanted even to be caught not while I am alone with her. I admit that it is a coward action of myself to put her into this situation in front of our friends. What was she supposed to do? Especially because she as well as me we were back then people who are very concerned about what other think about us. So, she would not create a scene in front of our friends about our marriage disaster. Me myself, I did not think that through back then as I do now. I could not know that she wants me to show a photo from my phone. I did not plan to come out with my cheating in that way. But in these few seconds my intuition told me to just give her my phone. I did not even know what message I had received and from whom. I did not create this situation but it seemed to be the moment to reveal what has happened. I would not have been able to carry on these lies any more.
I notice that she locks the toilet door behind her. Now I definitely know what is going on. I stand up and walk to the toilet asking: "Everything OK darling?" No response...
And in this very moment my whole world is falling apart. So is hers. My body is full of adrenalin. I am stressed. I see stars in front of my eyes. My brain switches off. All I remember is that I walk back to the kitchen to our friends. Sitting down and tidying up the table. They definitely notice that something is going very wrong here. They help tidying up and even prepare some sandwiches with me. Sophie opens the door and walks out of the apartment. My friend follows her. After a minute he returns and keeps on helping me. She is gone. She did not say a word. I go together with my friends downstairs to say Good bye. He hugs me and says: "Everything will be OK." I just think by myself: "If you knew what has happened you would never say that to me."
In the meantime I know that my friend knew what has happened. He knew that I had cheated on her. She has gone to her mother's home. My friends have left. I am now alone at home. Shocked. I go to the toilet and get my phone. She made some screenshots of the chat with my lover and sent them to her own phone in case I would deny everything. And she wrote him some heavy hateful messages. Blaming him for what has happened. She did not know that I have also lied to him. He did not know at our first meeting that I was married. In the meantime he found out anyway because he had found me on Facebook where I had put my relationship status public. I directly message him and say sorry for my wife. She is upset of course but he should not be the one towards whom she releases her anger. But he is fine anyway.
At least one hour passes by. And the phone rings...
To be continued...
In this post I want to show how hard it is to tell the truth. Especially when this truth hurts the person that you love so much. And when the truth is even something that you do not like about yourself. Something you are definitely not proud of. So, I rather took advantage of this situation to make an end to these lies. At some point my contradictory behavior had to escalate.
The more important question is: How can I avoid another similar situation where I will again hide my actions that hurt those who I love? How can I avoid to end up in another relationship, putting expectations high, and see myself in the end again failing in accomplishing my ideal picture of being a loving partner. I do not want to disappoint myself again.
For sure I learned that a heterosexual relationship is not my place to be. But there is much more to say about relationships than just the gender I feel attracted to. It is about what expectations I have to myself. That influences my expectations towards my partner. Am I too strict with myself? How much do I love myself? How do I deal with my own mistakes? This says a lot about how I can love somebody else. How realistic I deal with his mistakes. Do I give him the freedom to express himself? Or does he have to fear another enraged discussion when he wants to talk about doubts and insecurities? I may think: He just doesn't want to talk. Or: He never wants to talk about feelings. Well, do I myself encourage honest talking? Do I show mistakes of myself? Or do I want to give him a perfect image of myself? It was very egoistic of myself pretending the image of a perfect husband to my wife. But the real problem was my expectation towards myself.
Wanting to do everything right made everything go wrong. So, my only chance is to adjust my picture about reality.
Obviously a partnership with no cheating throughout several phases does not seem to fit human nature. At least not my nature. But still I have not got enough experience in life to complete my picture about me being a partner. I still have to try and to listen to my inner voice when choosing my partner. And at some point I will have to let go of my fear to disappoint myself again. Probably only real love will help me get over that fear. Probably it is possible. As long as I believe it and as long as this is what I really want.
I am ready to love. I am ready to try. Again and again.
I want to let you know that I am exceedingly happy about how my blog has effected people in the last months. I received encouraging messages and had inspiring meetings.
I want to thank everyone for his trust in me when he or she approaches me with doubts or inner conflicts.
I am very proud of everyone of you who became aware a little more of his feelings and who started to listen more carefully to them.
Take care my dears and see you soon!