or: way too yourself

Hey darling, I have got a pretty freaking story to tell you. It is about secrets, two-faced lives, love, sex, and liberty.

Told and experienced by myself.


My way out of the small world of a gay Jehovah's Witness,

now seeking full liberty and joy in life.

Scroll down and dive into phiel zu Phil's life.


"You and the mirror. 

There is no one else to set your standards."


  • Philu

#10: Outing Part 1 - The Pastor

Updated: Nov 27, 2019

I look at my phone.

A message from Sophie! Her very first words to me after she found out that I cheated on her with a man:

"Please go with Jehovah God."

Wow! I am astonished. What a girl. I see no anger in these words. I feel no hate. No sadness. No blaming. No disgust. She just worries about my future.

It is now one hour ago that my wife left the apartment without a word. Our friends who stayed overnight have left as well. I am here on my own. In our apartment. The apartment that we have lived in for only 5 months. It is end of February. A sunny and mild Sunday noon. But inside one part after another is collapsing. I see where things are going. I feel that this Sunday brings drastic changes. I do not know what to feel. This scene is so intense. I look at a black screen when trying to remember what happens between her leaving and my phone ringing.

Yes, my phone is ringing and wakes me up out of my paralyzation. Sophie, it is her. I pick up.

Me: Hey.

Sophie: Where are you?

Me: I am at home.

Sophie: And our friends? Are they still there?

Me: They have just left.

Sophie: What happened between you and this guy?

Me: We had oral sex.

Sophie: Oh my god! I cannot live with this man!

That is when I notice that she is calling me in front of her mum. Maybe in order to have a witness with her? Of course. At this moment I am the last guy on earth whom she trusts. She might fear that I would deny everything. So, better having some witnesses and screenshots with her to prove my sins.

Her mother: Please calm down. Everything will be fine.

Sophie: I cannot do this. I do not want to do this.

Her shock and disgust is obvious. I cannot say a word.

Sophie: Have you told the pastors yet?

Me: No, I will do that.

Sophie: Do it today. Or I am going to tell them.

Me: Ok, sure.

She hangs up. Oh dear. I am awake. I got out of my paralyzed mind. I feel so tiny, so little. I look at myself and see a puppy who pretends to be not aware what he has just done. I try to feel pity for myself. I try to convince me looking into the mirror that someone like me could never be capable to hurt someone so deeply. Someone I love. My wife. I look on my phone. I open the chat. The chat window of my pastor. I choose the pastor whom I trust. The one I think he is the most realistic and empathetic one of all the other pastors of my congregation.

Me: Hey, I have to see you. It is very urgent. Do you have time now?

I press the Send-Button.

Another hour passes by. I distract myself tidying up the flat. Preparing some laundry. I just do not want to sit down. The risk is to high to realize. Realizing some big changes would await me. But then I suddenly hear someone coming up the stairs. Sophie! Oh dear! I cannot see her right now. How awful. I run out of the apartment, looking for my shoes. She is coming upwards. But with another one.

Now, I see both of them coming up the stairs. She and her mother. Please, I want to die!

Sophie: You are still hear?

Me: I have texted the pastor but he hasn't replied yet. But I just go and leave the both of you here.

This is when her mother and me look at each other. There is no word, no emotion exchanged. I just feel fear. Big fear. Escape! Get out of here!

I go fast and straight to the train station. Entering the train I take out my phone. And I call my pastor.

Pastor: Hey Philipp. What's up? Is everything OK?

Me: I have sent you a message.

Pastor: I am sorry. I did not look at my phone. What is going on?

Me: I need to see you. Are you available?

Pastor: Sure. I am at home. When do you want to come?

Me: I am already in the train. Probably in 20 minutes at your door?

Pastor: Oh OK. Is it something serious?

Me: Pretty serious. Please let's talk in person.

Pastor: Sure. Take care!

Me: Thank you.

I am sitting next to the window. No one next to me. Moving backwards in the train. Crossing a bridge. Sun rays touch my nose. My eyes are dry. My mind stuck. I only hear the train. Taking me towards reality, towards revelation. I know I need to tell all the truth.

I ring the bell. And he opens. His wife greets me warmly at the door and hugs me.

Pastor's wife: Hey Philipp! How are you?

Me: Not so good...

Pastor: Hi Philipp.

I look at both of them. A look, a cry for help.

Pastor: Come. We sit down in the living room.

Pastor's wife: I will better leave you both alone.

We enter the living room.

Pastor: Please have a seat.

I sit down on the biggest armchair they have got. How can he even offer this to me? I feel guilty sitting in his flat.

Pastor: Tell me. What worries you?

Me: Something very bad happened........

Pastor: Ok.

Me: I have cheated on Sophie. With... men.

Pastor: Pooh... That is heavy.

Me: I know.

Pastor: You know we love you. But this doesn't sound good at all. That doesn't mean any good for you.

Me: I know.

Pastor: You know we love you. But you also know what might await you.

Me: Sure. And it will be what I deserve.

Pastor: Look. There are only two options for you. And you have to take that decision. Think well. Are you able to live a whole life as single? You know that there will be no other option for you if you choose to live a life for Jehovah.

Me: Yes. I need to think well.

Pastor: Oh dear. That is really not good. I am going to talk to the other pastors. Now, for you it is just important to go within.

Me: Yes, I will do that.

Pastor: Are you currently in the state that you would harm yourself? Can I leave you alone?

Me: You mean suicide?? Of course. I am OK. Please don't worry.

Pastor: Ok. You will hear from me. Take care.

Me: Thanks for your time.

I get into my shoes again. His wife looks at me. She seems very worried. She hugs me. We say Goodbye...

I walk down the street. Don't know where to go. I sit down at the bus station. So, I need to figure out for myself? Dear... I am not used to think for my decisions. I can choose? I have to choose? I think of the consequences. I think of my family. Thinking of them I just wish the ground would open and swallow me up. I do not want to see them. I do not want to disappoint them. Can I please just go. Go far away. Not having to see anyone again. No one who knows me. So that I will not hurt anyone anymore. I have got no idea what to do. So, I get in the bus.