or: way too yourself

Hey darling, I have got a pretty freaking story to tell you. It is about secrets, two-faced lives, love, sex, and liberty.

Told and experienced by myself.


My way out of the small world of a gay Jehovah's Witness,

now seeking full liberty and joy in life.

Scroll down and dive into phiel zu Phil's life.


"You and the mirror. 

There is no one else to set your standards."


  • Philu

#11: The reason why I was not considered repentant

Updated: Mar 17, 2020

My dear all, I am happy and very thankful to be here again writing for you and for me, for all of us. The reason why I could not make it to continue was that those things that will happen in the next stories mights draw me further away from my family. But that is only an assumption and I cannot hold myself back just because I assume a specific outcome. I have still got a voice and I have still got a story to share.

It is my responsibility to talk out loud. And to take this topic to discussion.

In the last article I told about how I confessed my sins to my pastor (or elder) of confidence. After that I went to another kingdom hall to attend a meeting where people wouldn't know me. To be in the background. To feel that I really want to be part of Jehovah's Witnesses. And it felt relieving to sit there and to think that at the moment I am not worth it to belong. I was no longer part of them. I am a sinner.

At least that was what I thought. In reality, I was still a full member of Jehovah's Witnesses. I confessed to the elder how I cheated on my wife with men. But as long as a group of elders has not taken any decision about me I was still member of the congregation. To me and my current state of emotions that organizational fact did not mean a thing. I felt not belonging any more. I knew that elders would exclude me and expel me from the community. In my mind, there it has already happened. There was no way for me personally how I could have been worth to continue as Jehovah's Witness. I was obviously not worth it. Reality has won, and I have failed as Jehovah's Witness, failed as Christian.

The next day my routine life at university goes on. But it is not the same any more. I avoid talking to my mates there. All that has happened was to embarrassing for me. How will I react if they ask me for how my wife is doing? I always talked proudly and full of conviction about my life as Jehovah's Witness. About my life as husband. About my activities in the construction project for our kingdom hall. And now? Where has my pride gone? Where is my conviction that I didn't live up to? Am I false? Am I two-faced? As long as I couldn't even answer these questions how could talk to someone else about it?

All I want is keeping silent and waiting until things will be as they were. And then continue as if nothing would have happened. I just need time and silence.

It shall turn out that I stayed silent for the next four months. Except of two friends there was no talking to my colleagues at university about what has happened.

Since I know (or actually assume, but it was a strong assumption) that I will be expulsed from my community of Jehovah's Witnesses and that I will deserve a proper penalty for what I have done I give up my religious self for these days. I let myself go. And finally did even worse than before:

On my way home I open Grindr. Since now my wife has left our home there is no one who could check on where I am and what I am doing. I open the app and check my messages. One guy just some train stations next to our home texted me. I am desperate and lost anyway. And I definitely need distraction from all that what has happened. The confession. Being alone. Sleeping alone again. I needed some kind of drug to just switch of my brain. And that is what sex is for me at that very moment. A drug. In order to forget the pain and the fear of what is about to come. So, I visit him at his place. I blow his penis until he ejaculates.

Him: "Is there anything you want to do? Anything I can do for you so you have fun as well?"

Me: "Thank you. I only came for your pleasure. I am fine. I need to go."

I just wanted distraction. I did not need more "fun" for what my sense of guilt would have just increased.

On my way to the train station I pass by Jehovah's Witnesses offering their literature with a witness cart. I stop and take a copy. I say thank you. So, this is how it feels like to be on the other side. "The greatest gift we have ever received" - the title of the Watchtower magazine. While waiting for my train back home I begin reading. About how Jesus came for us on earth. How he suffered. How he died for our sins. The most precious gift from God. This doesn't make me feel much better. I cannot believe that what I have done could be vanished by any gift. The pain was real. My wife's pain was real. If the pain is real, the sin is real. So, the ransom of Jesus could not help me nor her at that moment.

Back home my mind was still occupied. Still noisy. No rest. And again I open Grindr. Again. Just one hour after having visited the first guy.

That is when I remember that I chatted with someone who couldn't host me. He offered back then to see each other on the toilet of the university in the city center (which was not my university). I denied back then. I did not have any chance and any time to go to the city center and have sex on a toilet. It would have been too risky that someone finds out just by not replying for some minutes to a message or my wife calling me.

But now I can host.

And I invited the man to my home which was legally still my wife's and mine. Adultery was penalized by law until 1969 with imprisonment. Today, there is no such law any more but committing adultery in the marital home might be prosecuted by civil law because I invited someone to our home without my wife's permission.

I drink some beer in order to calm down my nerves. I am very nervous waiting for him in our home. When he arrives we directly start kissing and getting undressed. This is my second time anal sex. But this time it is very pleasant. And I want him to do it. Although it is painful because his penis is so much bigger than the one of my first anal sex date. But his body and passion make it all up. He is crazy about me. And that feels great. We are so into each other and heavily kissing that we take even each other's breath in the kiss, from lung to lung. I guess I have nearly never experienced such a passionate and intense time like back then. Maybe because it was one of my first times and enormously exciting because it still felt so forbidden. After that he takes a shower. For the first time I inspect my butt hole and I am impressed how stretched it is. It is a little frightening to see me that way and I hope that my body will be fine. But now with the stretched butt hole I feel ready for a second try. So, I ask him to come to my bed again. And we do it again. Still the same pain level. The stretching hasn't really helped.

The next day I will have an exam at university but it is definitely not what I want to be thinking about now. I do not want to be alone at home with all the learning. So, he stays a little longer an we chat.

He leaves our home and we wouldn't hear anything from each other for four months.

And that is why I was not considered repentant. Only one day after confession to my elder I had twice sex at one day. And one of these dates was even anal penetration in our marital bed. There was nothing to be discussed about. This action for itself gave reason enough to the elders to exclude me from Jehovah's Witnesses. But I will explain more about repentance and emotional confusion in my next articles.

For now just the following.

We may see people doing bad things or even crime. I dare to assert that it all began at one point where they gave upon themselves. When the thought manifests that it doesn't matter. I am lost anyway. No one cares anyway what I am doing. I haven't deserved better.

We all need someone who believes in us when we cannot believe in ourselves any more.

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