or: way too yourself

Hey darling, I have got a pretty freaking story to tell you. It is about secrets, two-faced lives, love, sex, and liberty.

Told and experienced by myself.


My way out of the small world of a gay Jehovah's Witness,

now seeking full liberty and joy in life.

Scroll down and dive into phiel zu Phil's life.


"You and the mirror. 

There is no one else to set your standards."


  • Philu

Things get touchy: in the metro??

Updated: Apr 14, 2019

Hi my dear! For sure you want to know how the story goes on but at first: a small step back to December 2016 after coming out to my wife Sophie. To read the story why the hell I wanted to marry a girl just have a look on my previous post:

It is only two weeks after my coming out to Sophie. Her family visits us at that time in Mexico for some days. That is when life is about to give me some more kicks into my ass. It is a Monday evening. After work I use to play tennis with my workmate. The owner of that sports center is quite hot btw ;-) It makes me melt away when he shows me the right posture to hit the ball and gives me all that attention as his student. Well, actually a lot of guys made me melt away, also in church. They seem just unreachable, I would never ever have the chance to touch them. But at least they are good material for my phantasy.

Coming back to the squash center. We have just finished our session when I get out of the building and walk towards the metro. I wear a sporty shorts, a sweaty tank top, and enter the metro. Besides me also another guy is entering at this station. I notice this silver ring on his hand just as I wear one silver ring on mine. For me it is my wedding ring, so I guess that he is also a young boy who is already married and while thinking too much about our possible commonality I catch myself looking for one second too long into his eyes. And I have his attention.

What happens next really overstrains me. With every stop we go by metro he approaches one step further towards me. One step more, and another one, another one.... I just do not know what to think what to feel. I am frightened and paralyzed. Never before has any boy looked for my nearness. Just as frightening as it is, it is also super exciting and thrilling. Then we arrive at the next stop. I know (and he does as well) that at this station the metro will get jam-packed. So, he makes a last big step towards me and is standing now directly next to my right side, his left shoulder touching my right one. Now, I do not see any way out of this. I feel like a helpless victim.

Why did I not walk away before? I really did not believe what was going on and was paralyzed by this new situation. Now when he is standing next to me, he tries to take my right hand with his finger. But I wince and put my right hand deep into my pocket to avoid any further touches. But this is exciting me so much that I directly have to put my left hand into the other pocket to grab my penis who really loves that situation right now and starts growing. I definitely do not want the boy to notice that he just made me horny (I guess he knows it anyway). But I am just frightened. Only two more stations... From now on he continuously tries to reach my hand, to touch my shorts. I just want to get out of here, not making any scene, just escape! Finally we arrive at my station and I jump out of the wagon. I am walking so fast and straight forward as I can. I reach the moving stairs and suddenly this boy stands again just next to me on my left side staring deeply at me. I just ignore him and continue walking upstairs, almost running. Running upstairs, running into a supermarket without needing anything, going left, turning right in order to get rid of him. I do not even know if he is following me into the supermarket. I stay there for five minutes, hidden behind a high shelf. I finally get some chocolate for my nerves and exit cautiously checking the surrounding. This scene is still so fresh in my memory. I was a victim, I made myself a victim.

I get home where Sophie and her family wait for me. I cannot talk a proper word with them. When her family goes to bed I try to talk to Sophie about the situation. I dare talking to her because I feel like the passive victim that has no blame to bear. The attacked one. She does not accept this as an excuse and is getting het up about her husband wanting to be touched by stranger boys. That has been the last time I revealed any homosexual contacts to her.

The next morning: As usual I go again by metro to work. I always chose the very last door of the metro because it uses to be the less occupied one. Nevertheless, at that morning the Mexican metro is again brimful and full of guys. I find a place to stand for me and the doors close. Suddenly, someone behind me begins to scan my trouser pockets with his finger. I just think: "He will see that there is nothing inside and will just stop." In intervals of some seconds he touches my bun again and again. I think: "For sure he wants to see if I notice that or not and then rob me." But that is not the case. He does not want my money. He starts to touch me with even more intensity. Starts to not even let go of my buns any more. And again, I am just paralyzed. Why don't I do anything?! How the hell can this happen to me just one day after another?! In the middle of my thoughts he begins grabbing my ass, he even puts his finger deep between my buns looking for my asshole and wants to penetrate it.

OH MY GOOOOOD!!! Damn! What is happening here?!? We are in a metro!! But Yes! I am enjoying this thrill! These touches I always only dreamt of. One more station and it is time for him to get out. He tries to grab my hand to take me with him but I keep my hand deep in my pocket. I mean, I do not want to be late to work and this level of excitement was just enough for me. I am afraid to go further. I am afraid of finding myself paralyzed again and unable to defend myself. He could have done anything with me.

But I just do not understand how this can happen on two consecutive days! At the job I just distract myself with a lot of work but back home I enter into Google and type "Mexican metro gay". The result just shocks me. There is this gay secret in Mexico-City that the very last door is a cruising place for gays. Every gay man out there knows that other gays will enter that door to scan each other, touch each other, exchange numbers, jerk each other off. At night hours they even have sex there. I am really perplexed why I chose this door again and again without knowing. Now, I know about this secret. And what will I do? Yes, I want that excitement every morning and evening again and again. Often, I even travel several times back and forth just to have more trips of excitement. And it is my perfect compromise: I do not watch porn how I have promised to the pastors, nor do I go too far with the guys so that I would feel like cheating on Sophie.

The end of our stay in Mexico approaches. It is almost Christmas. I just think by myself that I would never want to return to this place. I know myself. I would cheat one day on her because it is too easy to have these gay contacts here. And I am looking forward to returning to Germany just because I will be distracted by all my friends and family activities. I will be too busy to meet guys and finally I can continue my marriage with Sophie exactly how I want it to be. But things should turn out differently back in Munich.

.To be continued..


Thanks for participating in my experiences. This story is so precious and important to me and I hope deep in my heart to reach you out there whoever might read this. If this touched you I am happy when you leave a <3 "heart" on the lower right corner of the post. Share your feelings and thoughts as a comment for the community or leave a personal message for me.

If you want to stay up to date about more breath-taking experiences and developments just subscribe down here. I keep you posted on Instagram and Facebook as well.

Hope to meet you soon! :-*

But most importantly: Keep on being phielzu yourself!

Kisses :-*****

#firsttime #realtalk #fears #excitement #heartbeat #mexicocity #addiction #metro #touches #eyecontact

489 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All