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phielzuPhil

or: way too yourself

Hey darling, I have got a pretty freaking story to tell you. It is about secrets, two-faced lives, love, sex, and liberty.

Told and experienced by myself.

 

My way out of the small world of a gay Jehovah's Witness,

now seeking full liberty and joy in life.

Scroll down and dive into phiel zu Phil's life.

 

"You and the mirror. 

There is no one else to set your standards."

Philu

 
 
  • Philu

When I have sex to compensate emotional deficiencies

Updated: Apr 14, 2019

You may remember my very first article "#01: A gay guy falls in love with a girl" talking about my relationship with Sophie and how I tried hard finding the joy I expected from sex. Finding joy in general. Enjoying my best ages. The best ages to have sex (well, at least that is what I thought. In the mean time people tell me that sex gets even better the more experienced and aged you are. I am curious to see that happen ;-) hehe). I did not want my best ages to pass by without having real good sex. Letting grow the relationship with her. Putting effort in it. Holding myself back all the years being together with her but not being allowed to touch her. Finally married. Finally receiving the joy in sex that I longed for. But then. No. No... That was not what I have expected. I will definitely publish another blog in future about my point of view to waiting for sex until marriage and to young marriages that are a logic result when any kind of sexual life - even masturbation - is prohibited.


But here and now: Let's talk about why I have sex not only with a person that I am in love with or that I even would love. No. Sometimes I see myself having sex for other reasons. I think back and just study when my sexual activity level is especially high. I want to reflect my behavior. Especially my sexual one. Since I believe that humans are in their purest, most human state when having sex I conclude that I get a pure image of my personality when examining my sexual behavior and questioning it. So here we go! When do I have especially often sex?


Reason 1: I have separated from my ex


I had extremely often sex when I separated last year from my ex. He was my first boyfriend. And not only a lot of sex. But really crazy, intense, funny, passionate sessions. I will talk about that as soon as we are as far in the story. Here I just say the following: I was on an incredible high level of energy! Why? I have held myself back all time long during my relationship with him - keeping away from other guys, staying faithful, staying with him, putting back my desires, saying No so many times even when he was not there.


I really do not consider myself as suitable for a closed, only-one-sex-partner-relationship. It may be that I just haven't met "Mr Right" yet. But frankly talking! I rather have lower expectations towards myself, knowing that sometimes I want to have another sex partner, than stating that I will be faithful and then disappoint and hurt myself and my beloved partner when it happens anyway.


So, I have been charging so much energy during the months that I stayed with him so that all this energy was released during a whole crazy month full of sex. I went literally crazy. And I loved it.


Reason 2: I need confirmation. And not only from one guy.


I want to see: Yes, I can have it. I know how it works. I know how to get them. I still appeal to guys. Especially after the separation I wanted to prove to myself that I still know how to play the game. I want to feel desired. I want to feel alive. I want to feel loved (and I know at this point that sex is not love). But I want at least to try to compensate it. So here comes reason number three:


Reason 3: I lack love


I am now 24 years old and can't even tell if I have ever really loved someone. I see myself how I hurt those people who are the nearest to me. It happened to Sophie. I disappointed my family. I hurt my first boyfriend when I left him. Does all this happen because I do not know how to love? That is one of my biggest questions. A question that I do not like to think about. A question that I hopefully answer one day by living love. By really loving someone.


Reason 4: I lost orientation in life


I have got no plan. I do not see any goal that would be worth to achieve. I struggle seeing sense in life. These phases happen. These phases of complete loss of orientation. I am lost. So I look for nearness by having sex. I say to myself: When there is no deeper sense in human life, no mental challenge, no spiritual sense, then I'll just enjoy physical pleasures here and now. It seems to be the only tangible thing I can get out of this life. You see... Sometimes quite dark and desperate thoughts enfold me. Sex makes me forget for a moment. Out of loss of orientation there comes the next reason:


Reason 5: I am bored


There is nothing to really do. Nothing to do when there is no plan and no goal. I just want to pass the time. Go and drink. Go and party. Go and have sex. The time passes by but nothing is created. No thought ➡️ No creation. The more I am bored the more I hang around on dating apps. Writing with strangers instead of meeting friends. Having superficial contacts instead of investing time into deepening existing friendships.


My current state: Why I have less sex than ever before


It is now five weeks ago that I started writing and opening up to public. Healing own wounds and being my own doctor. My inner life has totally changed. I see my task. I have a message. I feel fulfillment. I see sense in the pain that I went through. That makes me feel balanced inside since five weeks. I begin processing my past and get closer and closer to my original self. All that makes me feel less interested in sex. I have less sex. And not because I appear less attractive, sexy, or appealing right now. No, no. I still dress up. I care for my body. But I just do not feel the need. Normally I think that sex is something physical. And that need cannot pass away just like this. But I just experience it right now. I believe that body and soul are so closely collaborating with each other that spiritual fulfillment can even alleviate physical necessities for a time. Do you catch yourself sometimes being so absorbed by an exciting project, book, game, or conversation that you even forget to eat?

I look forward to a day when I will enjoy sex combined with being in love or even with loving my partner. Being engaged in my individual projects and having someone who I can support and who supports me with achieving each other's objectives.

In the meantime I will still use sex for compensation of loneliness, loss of orientation, lack of love and so on. That is fine. And it is OK that these things happen to me from time to time. I just want to be aware of what happens and why I feel or don't feel.


So: Enjoy! Whatever you use sex for: It is OK. Just think for a second and question why. Sex helps me on the short run but it is no long-term solution for me. I want it all! A life full of sex and sense and love. That must be great.


I keep way too compensating my deficits 😉

Enjoy!

Hugs!

Kisses!

See you soon!


#sextalk #senseinsex #sexismedicine #sexisyou #askwhy #itsok #realtalk #lost #orientation #love #relationship #separation #crazymonth #experiences #confirmationneeded #bodyandsoul #yingandyang #seeya #waytoo

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